I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
