I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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