I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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