I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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