Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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