people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
