I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
