I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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