I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
