benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
