seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
