Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
