upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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