Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
