Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
