so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The beer is more important than you right now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
