some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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