Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
