They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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