When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Are my feet made of real feet?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
