Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How does it feel to date your dad?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
