You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize