Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
