hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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