he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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