Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
