My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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