Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize