At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
