just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
