I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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