Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
