Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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