Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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