I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
