My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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