I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
