My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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