My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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