I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
