No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
