I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
