I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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