you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
