I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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