i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize