i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
