I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
