shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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