Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
