is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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