Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
