And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
