im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The best revenge is premature balding
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
