At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
