Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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