cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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