he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
