My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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