I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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