My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
