Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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