Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize